I’ve had a hard few months. There has to be more to life than this. I’m wandering around through life with hardly any purpose or goal at all. I don’t know what I am doing half of the time. Why does my heart still go on beating? This is death. The moment we are born we start dying. I lost a part of my existence in a war against myself. I’m always stressed about something or another. I let things get to me even when I say I don’t. It won’t ever be over. It’s constant. Even when I’m happy I want to die. I am never truly happy. Some days, I am just a little less sad than others. It’s hard to feel in control when you’re life is out of control. Some people just feel the rain while others just get wet. This world isn’t safe for a person like myself and sometimes maybe I am not safe for the world. The more crap I go through the more I want to be alone. I just keep hoping that one day it will get better. I wish that I knew my purpose. I wish that life wasn’t so complicated. We are all in the same game, just different levels, dealing with the same hell, and just different devils.
You don’t know what it’s like to be me, to look at yourself in the mirror and not like what you see, to hate every inch of yourself, and to forget what it’s like to be free. I’m not who I want to be. I hate the things I say and do. I hate how my depression brings other people down. I hate that they feel like they can’t be around me. I hate that I’ve caused them so much pain from my mental illness. I feel like an unwanted burden. I do know they love me. I know they are tired of my depressed actions. I know they are scared I’m going to kill myself. I wonder if I’m good for anything besides bringing people pain. I wonder how I got this way from the innocent person I use to be. Why am I so self-destructive? I wish I never began to be like that. It’s ruined me. It’s changed me into a monster. People see my scars and become afraid of me. I’m not a dangerous person. I’m not a freak. I am not crazy. I am loving, genuine, and sweet. I just have emotional problems. I wish people who didn’t understand depression didn’t comment on it. I want to be the person everyone wants to be around. I don’t want to be such an empty shell that just is there. I’m sick of always being the problem. I know I can be hard to love. I know I can be a huge disappointment to some. I hate who I am. I hate who I’ve become.
If you want to know where you’re heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders. If you’re like me, and you care too much, you will get hurt. That’s always been my problem. I care about others feelings more than my own. Pain and suffering are always inevitable for those who have a deep heart. When people treat you like nothing you begin to feel like nothing. I usually give people more chances than they deserve. I only have myself to blame for letting down my walls. They will say and do anything to get you to open up, and once you do…they have all the control over you. Some people push others away because they don’t want to get hurt and others push people away because they got hurt. It’s sad when you get hurt so much that you can say ” I’m used to it.” We all have this perfect picture in our minds of how things are supposed to be and that’s why we all end up being disappointed. Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the one person you thought would never hurt you. For once in my life I wanted to be good enough for someone. How foolish I was to believe that anyone could love me they way I love them. I will never be good enough for anyone, not even myself. I should of never let my walls come down. My illusion, my mistake. Promises are unfulfilling due to liars and deceivers. I taught myself to not trust anyone. I will not make any apologies for how I chose to repair what people broke inside of me. I do not hate anyone, but I will never give anyone the opportunity to hurt me again. Rebuilding the wall inside of you is still harder than it is to tear down. I will not let myself get hurt again, but my problem is that I care too much. It’s always the same thing. Sooner or later the walls I rebuilt will break down, and I don’t know how to keep out the pain then. And in the end, we are all just humans…drunk on the idea that love could heal our broken hearts.
Everything is my fault. I regret more than I admit. If I could go back in time and change my mistakes, I would. I don’t want to be judged the rest of my life for my faults. There’s too much that time cannot erase. I feel like the past is always with us just waiting to mess up the present. The bad things stay with you, you cannot escape them, even if you wanted to. If you mess something up you tend to remember it for a long time. More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren’t so busy denying them. Regrets collect like old friends here to relive your darkest moments. I’ve messed up a lot of times so I guess this is what I deserve. I’m frustrated because I’m such a failure at everything. I let everyone that I love down. I feel pathetic. One mistake after another, and I just want to get it right for once. They say time heals all wounds, but for me it’s just made them painful worse. There’s no starting over…no matter where I go my past is always with me. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming living with these regrets that we eventually need a shoulder to cry on. Someone to just hug you so tight that all your broken pieces fall back together. I just want to be fixed. I don’t want to make anymore mistakes.
We live our lives like we are ready to die. I thought I already had been through the worst days of my life, but it turns out those were just the warm ups. I remember the days when I wanted to grow up, but now I would do anything to go back to how things were. Sometimes I get so far in my head that I forget everything else exists. It gets easy to get lost inside your mind. I pray for help because the pain is so consuming to deal with it on my own. No one expected me to get this worse. I don’t see what’s wrong with wanting my life to go back to normal. My depression is on a rollercoaster. Some days it’s low, some days it’s high, and some days it’s upside down. I feel so alone, yet I don’t want to be around people. Don’t those contradict each other? If I don’t want to be around people shouldn’t I be okay with being alone? I don’t understand it and I don’t understand myself. There’s so much about myself that I don’t know…some things I might not want to know. I do know that I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be this alone and on my own.
When does life get better? I’m at a cross road. I can’t decide what to do about anything. Nothing in life is certain. Nothing is absolute. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I don’t want to go back to being nothing…having nothing. I have lost all hope in search of finding myself. I have lost the ability to trust in searching of finding redemption. I have lost my freedom because of the mistakes I’ve made. I keep feeling like I am losing my sanity as well. Some days I feel like I am losing the will to live. My hope, trust, and freedom is gone. My mind is on the edge of the ravines. My life is slipping away from me, and the moment that I lose myself will be the moment that I give up. My brain is constantly eating away at me…like little bugs squirming inside my head. I don’t know how to fix what’s inside me. People say to truly find what is worth having you have to lose everything to get it. I don’t want to lose everything. I want to find myself without all the torment brought on by losing it all. When did losing everything define who we will be? I say we don’t truly find ourselves until the time is right, the moment just happens, not when you are ready to give up. I know, for a fact, that if I lose anything else…I won’t make it out alive.
This world is full of monsters with friendly faces. Never tell your problems to anyone. Some people only want to know your deepest secrets so they can use them against you. People love to manipulate others to gain power. Some people manipulate others to benefit themselves. Sometimes they use other people out of pure hatefulness. Those who like to know your problems feel the need to tell others because they want to sound like they’re are above you. They are too weak that they have to bring others down. It’s crazy how they can be insecure about themselves, but when this happens it makes us insecure about ourselves. We sometimes stick by these people because we don’t have many in our lives and can’t go through this alone. Weakness is the root of people using other people. Sometimes we fall victim to these treatments that we demand a sense of respect. When people shame us, it makes us feel guilty for even allowing it to happen. It’s scary when we hear just one word it can tear us down and more than a hundred words will get us back up. We just have to know who to trust and who not to trust. I’ll always keep my guard up around certain people.
I used to be normal until life happened. I’ve become so fragile. People eventually broke me. I have broken things where my heart use to be. I’ve become so good at hiding that I lost who I was. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t want to just survive. I want to live. I’m a little soul carrying around a corpse. I’m never where I am, I am always in my head. I’m haunted by the idea of my life wasting away. My nightmares come to life and my feet are walking cement. There is a hell, believe me, I’ve seen it. Humans are such fragile creatures made up of broken hearts and broken promises. Some people feel that you have to be careful when trying to fix a broken person because you injure yourself on their shattered pieces. In some cases, you probably do. No one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. You think we don’t know that? If I wasn’t sad, I’d still have everyone who has ever cared about me. I’m too much to take in and I would leave too, but I am stuck with myself forever. The nightmare progresses on. Everyday is another prayer echoing in my bones asking God to take me now. I lay down wondering how to leave this hell. In that moment, I’ve never felt so much pain. The bravest thing I’ve ever done was continue my life when I want to die. I just want to be free. I want to be free from the bad thoughts and free from being broken.
I can’t explain how painful it is to wait for something that never comes. All I do is hope that it will come. I have constantly been fighting for approval of someone I deeply love. I have only wanted one thing from them and it seems like I’ll never get it. It’s something I’ll never have because maybe I am not worth it. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not good enough or because I can’t be seen in the way I want to be seen. I’ve tried so hard to get it, but I guess sometimes others just don’t see you in the same way. When you care about someone, hurt is part of the package. The more you care, the more you have to lose. When you feel like you love someone more than they love you, it can make you very sad. You start to doubt yourself and your ways. You focus on only what you’re not doing right. You lose yourself trying to be what they want you to be. You want so desperately to belong that you lose sight of your own ability to love others because all your love is focused on them. I have never felt like anyone has ever loved me as much as I have loved them. I think that’s why it’s so hard to feel wanted because I don’t know what it really feels like. The sad part is they can treat me however they want because in the end they know that I’ll always be here for them. Sometimes you realize that the only mistake you made was caring too much. In the end, you’re the only one hurt…you’re the only one lost. Everyone should have a place that makes them feel safe.
Do you know how much it hurts to feel so alone? I do. Sometimes I prefer the darkness. It makes it harder for me to look around and see how alone I really am. It’s natural to feel abandoned, but it’s not to feel alone. Being alone with my mind is actually quite dangerous. That’s why I’m constantly needing others to need me back. I try to not be alone. As much as being broken hurts, being alone is way worse. I’m alone with my thoughts and how consuming they can take over my mind. Night time is the worst. I think about everything. I get so vulnerable at night. I’m willing to spill out my soul to anyone willing to listen, but I don’t because when I’m alone I don’t know how. I get this desire to do things that never crossed my mind. Loneliness is the human condition. Never expect to outgrown loneliness because that’s normal. Feeling alone and being lonely aren’t the same thing. Being lonely is when you are looking for someone or something to fill your time, to fill the void in your schedule, and in your heart. One can be lonely and still not feel alone. Feeling alone is where you feeling isolated from others. It’s when you separate yourself from the living. The place inside yourself becomes where you live alone. The demons become you’re only friends. You don’t know how to open up to others. You don’t know how to reach out. You’re just alone with your inner thoughts. To me, being alone with everything is worse than being lonely. There are times when I get lonely, but it’s never as consuming as the feeling of being alone. I just get so weak from feeling this way. It drains you of your emotions. I’d rather be lonely than to feel alone, but I wasn’t given a choice. The color black is alone and the color grey is lonely.
When someone is use to getting hurt, they won’t know how it feels when someone starts appreciating them. They just end up pushing them away. They have a fear of getting attached to someone else because they think they might get hurt again. Once that door is open, they’ll fight for everything to keep that door open. Once the door closes, they lose themselves. They become lost. It ruins you. Losing someone is the worst pain that someone can go through. The easiest way to not get hurt is to not care, but it’s also the hardest thing to ever do. The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for. I am very tired of losing people I care about. Sometimes it’s because they don’t love me as much as I love them. Sometimes I push myself on their time that they pull away from me. Sometimes people take me for granted because I care so much that they’re not use to it. I love differently than most do. It’s consuming. I let it consume and I let it consume them. That can either be a positive or negative thing, but it all depends on the person. I’ve loved and I’ve lost. My heart still cares. I still care about all the people I’ve lost in my life…even those who have hurt me. I don’t know why, but I just do.
I smile because no one really cares when you’re feeling sad. People don’t realize that their words have a major impact of how we feel. We can be feeling good about ourselves one minute, and then when certain words come into play we can feel horrible. When someone tries to dehumanize us, we shut down. Everybody wants to feel accepted as it is a human physiological need. If you verbally abuse somebody to the point where they feel offended, they can become unimportant. No one really knows how much pain someone is in until they show it. You can be standing by someone who seems completely content, but is torn up inside. Don’t assume anything because you don’t know that person’s life story. Always respect people’s feelings. Even if it doesn’t mean anything to you, it could mean everything to them. When you shrug off a person’s feelings, don’t be surprised if they shrug off your existence. Apologize for your actions. Apologize for your behavior, but never apologize for your feelings. They are simply a part of who you are. It hurts because it matters. It all matters.